this, mirror

I never knew you can learn so much from a single person... it happens when you invest everything in them. They wear a charming mask for you; one that's easy to fall in love with...convinces you of his infinite love, and vows to marry you. You love that mask because it makes you laugh and it promises you the world, but eventually, it comes off, and whats behind it is an unshakable fear, and this fear moves you because you see it for what it is, but it's so ugly, he can't even look at himself and gradually, he remembers why he hates his own reflection. It tears you up inside that they had this within all along, and you keep taking them back because they shook your whole foundation, and they made you question love and tested your faith, even made you cry as if mourning which is significant to you. And they say they're changing.. they say they're working it out, and you believe it because you never wanted to see them as anything less than perfect, because you made a pact in each others eyes that all the love you feel together, no matter how dysfunctional, is perfect.


I trained myself just before meeting him that ugliness is beauty and there is no light without darkness.. so I accepted him for who he is, naturally and effortlessly and hoped he'd do the same for me. Unconditionally, is how I loved. Every broken piece of him became my own until I realized he left me shattered... and that is when you realize there's no one there but yourself and it's your own betrayal you manifested.. It was your own conditioning regarding love and beauty that failed you, that failed me. A loss due to the fear of losing each other. And Pain... that sad, decrepit catalyst I adopted as my baby, was our own consensual creation; showing me I know nothing, teaching me how not to be, and reminding me just how human I really am.. and I am thankful for it.

The Golden Egg.

 Life experience:
I climbed into the Golden Egg to get a grasp of how it feels inside. I almost lost myself in there.

No one ever knows anyone

..its effects are going away now...

happy dopamine.
serotonin loves me
with a blindfold on.
ecstasy in my arms
is the surface of things.
kama sutra with potential
only i see.
you think you know me
because i wear clothes
and listen to music.
but i am in skin.
inside my chest-
is more passion than anything
you've ever known.
there's a stranger beating, tearing down
your affair with my persona.
you're on a comfortable high.


it's an overload
of new memories and never ending futures.
worlds that don't exist
and eyes purer than virginity itself.
a chastity belt around your most deepest thoughts;
we have the same taste in movies.
a mother-father god and Nietzsche's no need for relationship
are my pillow.
it will save me from things harder to let go of
than the grip keeping me from falling 20 stories high.
i'm coming down now, on my own
before i meet the ground faster than i met you.
you're welcome to join me
in a bed deep inside her
penetrating within her
my soul wants the core.
if we make it,
we will be what we once were
without the expectations of the drug,
without pretending like we know each other.
it'll give us the chance to do so.

it sucks to be human

i wanted.
that was my first mistake.
to feel human;
to get caught up in the world
and be vulnerable.
to love like ive never loved before
and feel that love in return.
just before it got ugly
just before you got ugly.
now that ugliness consumes
because its part of the universal balance of things.
eating away at our very cores.
eating away at our everything.
there is only Nothing.
its a cruel joke,
the nature of things.

Glass and Bags

view the gallery

bananas

i met a beast

hypnotized,
count down from 10.
stared into the corner of dawn.
i see
a beautiful beast
serene
like unmoved water.
i want to touch it
to find a moving stillness
of everything that surrounds me.
i feel more life than ever
in this half asleep dream.

i get closer,
to understand what it is i'm seeing
but it's all changed.
your once majestic face
expands like a frilled neck lizard
snapping, with claws for teeth.
chirps of furious insecurities,
shaking, like a boy in puberty.
vomiting your inner ugliness
like rays of the sun-
shining on me, shining on you,
exposing what you are...
brilliant hate
embodied as my love.
so lets compromise, indeed.
not about substance,
but about your place in my heart.
ill give anything to get you out.

there's a ghost at my door i recognize. she's got my life in her hands.

lack as inspiration

i never faked it.

the universe just responded faster to my sincerity

than you or i could have ever done.

of all the things we have in common,

we both know

pain makes for the prettiest music.

tragic poetry like mine.

it's all a novel,

that tears your heart up.

feeding on imaginary sorrows,

missing that kind of love.

i send thank you notes to the skies because im happy.

but i also can't write because of it.

you sing about a loss that's inspired you.

i only know how to do the same.

creation.

inspiration.-

to myself, at least,

only comes from longing.

true love makes me disappear,

but pain brings me closer.

vague poem

gonna write a vague poem

to tie around my finger.

a secret meal.

like a one time birthday wish.

a distance that tears me apart.

there, i saw a vow in your eyes.

it meant more to me than

words drizzled in honey.

but illusion brought me more

than you've ever said to me.

so i dance with the thought of something.

even if it's not you...

rather than complimenting a longing

that only you can endure.

i got tired of being a masochist.

wary of waiting for the sun.

my nature is to love and love, fully.

it's torture to pretend that it's not.

so give me something

because i can't keep it locked.

it's a black box

full of dreams and passionate song.

i took a sledge hammer to pry it open

took a peak of its' beauty

to write you.