Choronzon

Choronzon is my heart.
"Trust it," he says,
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

Until you are weak.

a billion years from now

i could hear this song a thousand times.
a thousand years from now, i'll be someone else completely.
i watched you from the rooftop
like the tallest light post that just stands still.
you couldn't see me.
it was dark and i was somewhere up above you.
was i god, or a sniper?
my perspective reaches farther than all your daily routes.
i came by like a breeze barely noticed-
nudity underneath one's clothing.
things that are always there but unseen.
like time and all the fragments that pull us together and back apart again
only to draw us into collision.
i'll be andromeda jumping into the arms of the milky way galaxy.

a knife without a blade

a year to let go, to pass us by
is a knife without a blade.
a year to miss and reminisce
drunken forlorn,
it doesn't matter.
a year to perceive 
our own reflection.
creation, addictions, separation.
the choices we've made,
madness,
to punish with no comfort.
lovers without their other.

how much have you accomplished?
in chaos, have you found silence?
what is beautiful to you now?

a year to go out, to get it all out.
to do all the things i needed to do.
to purge whatever i've consumed-
a year,
if we would have made it through.





 

the lovers: two united but distinct

i watched you watch me from afar. white light came to me like a loyal servant whose name i called, willing and ready, piercing through my being, showing me who truly is master. the light was my own and yet it came from you as if you live on a star. i stood in the center of an 8 spoke wheel and walked what i thought was a familiar path, only to find you manifest before me in all your glory, illuminating me with your strict judgment, putting me to shame for my lack of faith. i disgusted myself, for i fear your greatness. And i held on to the image of your face unable to cross the abyss without it, for it would have been our annihilation and i'm much too fond of you to leave you for you...

gammas

my car died.
i was stalled for 2 hours
and yet, there you were.
the work of a cosmic conspiracy.
a higher form of magick that is beyond me.

and i hesitate for a moment
before i walk into the co-creation dream.
im always unsure.
we're both always shook.
our wills, they have a mind of their own.
we manifest one another
but nothing ever changes. 
we still can't face each other.

our conscious is chaotic.
you are my desire and fear incarnate.
my dream and my shadow.
i'm getting to know you on a different level.
you're closer to me than ever
pretending to be strangers.
it sometimes makes it difficult,
remembering time and space.
a tantric dance fueled by the same but opposite natures-
learning the virtues of patience and strength;
the meaning of true love.
it's a passion that creates gammas;
that look in your eyes.
i want to jump in there and kiss you,
let the stars read our story.

echoes

yesterday's memories wash ashore like today's dreams on a harbor.
they crash unto my being like hard slaps;
waves of reality
move me at the core.
penetrating my soul
like an astral projection.
i see you're really good at that.

countdown from ten.
still hypnotized,
floating above the waters.
i see where the ocean meets the sun;
where the sun meets the land.
it was sundown and the sky was pink.

do you remember?
remember the time we got married?
you gave me away to yourself in a dream we both had.
we woke up happy.

i casted you out to sea for that pearl in your eyes.
it's lost somewhere between the depths and the skies.
it's got my promise on it.
your promise is my veil,
recalling your love like an echo around my finger.

this, mirror

I never knew you can learn so much from a single person... it happens when you invest everything in them. They wear a charming mask for you; one that's easy to fall in love with...convinces you of his infinite love, and vows to marry you. You love that mask because it makes you laugh and it promises you the world, but eventually, it comes off, and whats behind it is an unshakable fear, and this fear moves you because you see it for what it is, but it's so ugly, he can't even look at himself and gradually, he remembers why he hates his own reflection. It tears you up inside that they had this within all along, and you keep taking them back because they shook your whole foundation, and they made you question love and tested your faith, even made you cry as if mourning which is significant to you. And they say they're changing.. they say they're working it out, and you believe it because you never wanted to see them as anything less than perfect, because you made a pact in each others eyes that all the love you feel together, no matter how dysfunctional, is perfect.


I trained myself just before meeting him that ugliness is beauty and there is no light without darkness.. so I accepted him for who he is, naturally and effortlessly and hoped he'd do the same for me. Unconditionally, is how I loved. Every broken piece of him became my own until I realized he left me shattered... and that is when you realize there's no one there but yourself and it's your own betrayal you manifested.. It was your own conditioning regarding love and beauty that failed you, that failed me. A loss due to the fear of losing each other. And Pain... that sad, decrepit catalyst I adopted as my baby, was our own consensual creation; showing me I know nothing, teaching me how not to be, and reminding me just how human I really am.. and I am thankful for it.

The Golden Egg.

 Life experience:
I climbed into the Golden Egg to get a grasp of how it feels inside. I almost lost myself in there.

No one ever knows anyone

..its effects are going away now...

happy dopamine.
serotonin loves me
with a blindfold on.
ecstasy in my arms
is the surface of things.
kama sutra with potential
only i see.
you think you know me
because i wear clothes
and listen to music.
but i am in skin.
inside my chest-
is more passion than anything
you've ever known.
there's a stranger beating, tearing down
your affair with my persona.
you're on a comfortable high.


it's an overload
of new memories and never ending futures.
worlds that don't exist
and eyes purer than virginity itself.
a chastity belt around your most deepest thoughts;
we have the same taste in movies.
a mother-father god and Nietzsche's no need for relationship
are my pillow.
it will save me from things harder to let go of
than the grip keeping me from falling 20 stories high.
i'm coming down now, on my own
before i meet the ground faster than i met you.
you're welcome to join me
in a bed deep inside her
penetrating within her
my soul wants the core.
if we make it,
we will be what we once were
without the expectations of the drug,
without pretending like we know each other.
it'll give us the chance to do so.

it sucks to be human

i wanted.
that was my first mistake.
to feel human;
to get caught up in the world
and be vulnerable.
to love like ive never loved before
and feel that love in return.
just before it got ugly
just before you got ugly.
now that ugliness consumes
because its part of the universal balance of things.
eating away at our very cores.
eating away at our everything.
there is only Nothing.
its a cruel joke,
the nature of things.