Sunday, February 20, 2011

awakening from within

in the last year-

i have been ungrateful.
dishonest with myself.
shy to ask.
passive with all.
afraid of rejection.
wanting acceptance.
and going to sleep at night.
i have been lost in regret.
unthankful for comfort.
bitter for my actions
and lack of satisfaction.
contempt for the sun
and his beautiful mystical ways
i chose to see as ego
rather than light guiding the way.
i formed an alliance with the night
to end the joys of day.

i experimented as if child.
to feel the untapped hurt;
my mother
and father
could not relate.
the love and attention i wanted-
it was meant for other children;
clones of societies making
conservation of the faking.
i found myself wanting
that support
and seed of ambition
because i thought it defined self-worth.

i wanted to remember what it was to loathe.
to forget.
to feel disconnected
like i did as a teenager
when i finally realized my parents were divorced.
i'd dress in black
to show my disappointment
about something that was not working.
i wear it with love today.

a battle within myself
that i learned to caress
though i was born to hate.
a milestone of awareness and introspection that came.
i became the thing that longed to resonate
in order to understand hopelessness
and why people hold on to it with their lives.
i saw myself trapped by my own lethargy
because of the beauty that comes with nothing.
feeling a desperation and a dark humour
that enveloped a lust for dying.
i've died many times
and each time is different.
passing moments expressed by a new piece of art.
a new insight that i had not known before.
a gallery of thoughts and emotions
that trickle down with devotion.
a gathering of work, feeling happy, uneasy to display.
a museum of contemplations till this day.
a house under construction with people living in it.
an open suitcase with confidential files
no longer the case.

striving to find my way out of the pits
i unlocked
many hidden doors along the way.
i saw many things that made me hesitate.
monsters and demons with my face,
fear and traumas with my name.
i understand now, the meaning of victory-
to find something you were meant to...
like yourself.
i searched for god in all the darkness with my light
and found it hiding behind gratefulness
like a boulder staring me in the face.
a hawk sweeps down and snatches it,
brings it forward like a sword
to cut whats not needed away.

blessed is he who is grateful for all things and fears no thing.
blessed is the one who searches deep within himself
to reveal things which most dare not to face.
a deeper truth of who you are
expressed by humanity's
impoverishment and famine state.
like a child, undisciplined and scared knowing
needing, wanting
the security blanket in the womb.
fetus then mourns the life it will soon become
because that love is so scarce
not many can bare.
you can find it in a flower
or the sky before it falls
but even as it falls
remember you are loved.
remember you were once in that sky up above.
that fell from the heavens,
from the greatest heights
like lightning
in the mouth of a mad world
with beauty as its' conscience.

waking to the sun today,
i greeted him with a smile and thought-
i forgive you for what i went through
and for turning my back on you.
i forgive you for allowing me to experience this life
and for parting with the intuitive moon, your wife.
but now i understand the true meaning of balance-
it isn't always pretty
it isn't always joy
but it will always be love, just as long
as you know you are it.

feeling that magnetism once again,
i was reborn today
from the stronghold of death.
choosing to change.
emerging my consciousness
from the depths of my being
so that nothing can ever be kept secret again.
so that there will be no place for regret to dwell in.
thank you,
life and death.
sun and moon.
hidden truth.
love, and all there is
and is not.
i love you.